I'm not really feeling okay right now. Like, really not okay. I'm feeling really lonely, really down. I'm feeling really hurt by the amount of people not even tangentially connected to me who hate me because they can't believe someone they know would ever do something so horrible.
Well fuck them, and fuck their hate, and fuck the irony of this statement.
Fuck being stuck in this goddamned limbo of a court battle for what is possibly another three years where absolutely nothing will happen. Fuck the system and fuck not standing up for myself when I should have because if I had, none of this would be happening right now.
Fuck you, IFN, and fuck me for ever loving you, and believing you ever loved me.
I am tired.
I don't want to do this anymore. I want to go away.
I really really really really really really really really really really really want to go away.
There is no where to go.
I just don't want to live anymore.
This is not my way of saying I'm going to hurt myself--I highly doubt I am.
But it's a defeat, admitting I don't want to live. I try so hard to "pretend to be normal," like Dad says to. Dad wants me to pretend about everything, it seems sometimes.
I'm not a big fan of pretending to be normal.
I hurt. And I don't want to have to hide it. Most of the time, I'm not even sure I can.
And fuck you, Supposed Best Friend, for when I reach out to you online because I need to talk, saying "Oh dear... don't do this please." When you hurt, I drop everything. I talk to you. I make sure you're okay. When you storm off because you're pissed at your girlfriend, I IM you, and ask if you're okay, despite the fact that you get verbally abusive to me, who had nothing to do with the fight.
I know it's hard to sit there and listen when you want to fix things and can't. I know it's hard and it sucks and you don't want to do it. But I need someone right now, and fuck you for not being willing to be my friend. Friends aren't just about good times. They're about listening when someone's in pain.
I hurt, and I needed to talk. You shut me out because you, apparently, couldn't deal. So fuck you.
Fuck everything.
I'm sick of pretending I'm okay. I'm not. I don't know how I'm going to get through anything, all I know is I don't want to, and I have to try. I have to pretend to be better. I'M NOT. I have to pretend always to be 100% fine because no one can deal with my problems anymore, everyone thinks it's somehow a failure to still be hurting, to still be afraid.
There's no set time-line for getting through abuse, for getting over being raped every goddamned night for 18 months. SO FUCK EVERYONE WHO THINKS I'M NOT DOING THIS QUICK ENOUGH.
Fuck you. Seriously.
And fuck me for being angry, but goddamnit it's the only way to maybe get through without crying, and I really don't want to keep my (perfect) sister awake.
FUCK.
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