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As I was leaving Farmington today, I ran into Jude. I yelled, "See you later?" And he yelled back, "You're leaving?" He came over and hugged me. And, in front of Tori and Dad, thanked me. Which was strange. He said, "Thank you for all you've done. I've really learned a lot from you. Thank you."
I don't really know that I've done a lot. Or that I've taught anyone anything. I stood up for myself with this civil marriage bill because if I don't stand up for myself on one thing, no matter how far removed it is from him, I'm terrified that inside my head, I'll stop standing up for myself with Ian.
I know a lot of people won't understand what I mean when I say that. I feel sorrow for the few who do. No, he's not a part of my life anymore, except on the periphery--court dates, victim's statements, staying out of certain towns and away from certain people. But inside my head, in the consciousness that defines me, he is always always always there. Maybe he always will be. I don't know. But I have to stand up for myself all the time, in everything, so that inside my head, I can stand up, too.
So like I said, I'm not sure I've done all that much. Really. It's not like Kylie, who has chosen to fight for something that may never directly affect her. If I ever get married, chances are it'll be to a woman, and so I had to stand up for this bill. How couldn't I? Granted, I know I've asked that question of others time and time again: why aren't you standing up for this? But I've been lucky--I've got family and friends who support me, even when they don't understand me. I didn't have a choice but to stand up for this. And there's a lot more I could have done. A lot.
I'm not so sure I taught anyone anything, either. I certainly didn't mean to.
I'm fairly certain I've got a good chance of passing my classes. It won't have been a stellar semester, by any means, but I feel like both Gretchen and Julianna would have told me by now if I was near the edge of failing. So I'm expecting Cs. Which, honestly, has bothered me a lot. I want to do better in school, and I feel like I haven't done as well as I could have, especially with all the other things going on in the periphery of my life and the centrality of my consciousness.
But right now, that doesn't matter.
Jude, I don't know what I ever said or did to make you thank me. But thank you. Apparently I made a difference. I'm not sure how, but I did. And knowing that is a hell of a lot more important than any grade I could ever get.
Thanks.