A Moderate Overreaction

I have, in the past few months since Draea left me, I have from time to time had crushes on people, even felt in love. Gus and Shelley, especially, have been objects of my secret (and not-so-secret) devotions.
But I really, honestly, can not say I ever really loved them, really truly ached for them. Once or twice, perhaps, but these were both aches for companionship, rather than for a specific person.
I've been in love, though. The whole time. I've been in love.
I know there is no possibility of anything ever happening between me and M. For one thing, I'm a mostly gay girl and he's an almost-completely (except once in a while when he's really drunk) gay guy. And we are friends. We are real friends, companions, in the 5 A.M. semi-drunk semi-conscious "What is life worth?" talk type way.
M. does not get along well with people. That's not quite true. He gets along very well with people, at least those who get to know him. But he very rarely opens up to anyone about anything--which makes it all the more special when he opens up to me. But he doesn't trust people, and he doesn't often really like people, and there are trust issues somewhere there that make me wonder from time to time if someone has hurt him.
I can't describe my feelings for him. I yearn for him. There is not really another way to describe it--or I don't have the words for them.
I think, despite my attempts at keeping my feelings from him (I think because I'm worried that if he knew, our relationship would change), that he knows how I feel. Everyone else seems to think that way, at least. Yet our relationship seems to have remained relatively stable, I think. Which is good.
He IMed me a few minutes ago. He typed this:
"M. hugs back and nuzzles, curls up."
I know that in real life, he would only very rarely hug me (like he used to, when we were roommates, and I'd wake up from a nightmare). I do not think he would ever nuzzle up beside me and curl up.
I want him to.
The lack of him beside me hurts so bad right now that I don't quite remember how to breathe.
I do not want to be in love. I do not want to be in love with a man. But I am.
And he's completely and totally unavailable.
So I suppose it doesn't matter.

I have a feeling I'm going to spend the rest of the night crying oddly and thinking about Ian.
Poo.